


Can't Hug Every Cat

by boxparade



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Crack, Dialogue-Only, Doombots, Established Relationship, Humor, Kicking the fourth wall, Kittens, M/M, Screenplay/Script Format, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-05
Updated: 2012-06-05
Packaged: 2017-11-06 21:39:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/423547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boxparade/pseuds/boxparade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You can't hug every cat, but Captain America wants to.</p><p>(This is entirely Tumblr's fault.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Can't Hug Every Cat

**Author's Note:**

> Here, look at this and tell me it isn't a fic waiting to happen: [Army of Kittens](http://black-nata.tumblr.com/post/22931075394/i-made-this-because-of-reasons)
> 
> Besides being the MOST ridiculous thing I have ever written, it's also my first fic written in this verse, but I think I caught the Avengers bug, so there will probably be more.

TONY

_Of course_ you would want to save all the kittens, Cap.

 

STEVE

It's not their fault.

 

TONY

No, one day, hundreds of kittens just _decided_ to rampage through New York. Completely logical.

 

HULK

Loki BAD.

 

TONY

Yes, Hulk, very good. Loki bad. Loki mind-controlling an army of kittens to destroy New York, also bad.

 

CLINT

I agree with the Captain. It wasn't the kittens' fault. Loki's mind-control is a bitch.

 

COULSON

Fury instructed me to remind you that you may not 'keep' the kittens.

 

CLINT

That's cruel, Coulson.

 

COULSON

It's protocol, Hawkeye.

 

TONY

Hey, Hawkeye, tell me: does Coulson follow protocol in bed, too?

 

CLINT

Really, Stark? I thought you could do better than that.

 

STEVE

Iron Man, Hawkeye, this is hardly the time nor place for lewd remarks.

 

TONY

[bursts out laughing]

I'm sorry, Cap. I just can't take you seriously with a kitten in your arms.

 

THOR

Is that the name of this strange creature? KITTUM, I COMMAND YOU NOT TO DEFICATE ON MJÖLNIR AGAIN, OR WE SHALL HAVE WORDS.

 

TONY

Oh god, this is just too much.

 

STEVE

I think I'm going to name her Peggy.

 

COULSON

Captain—

 

NATASHA

I believe Scarlett is a suitable name for mine.

 

COULSON

I give up.

 

CLINT

Smart move. Hey, Phil, what do you think about Joss? Little guy kinda looks like a Joss.

 

COULSON

Hawkeye, I would ask—again—that you refer to me in the field as Agent Coulson. Also, _Clint,_ we're not adopting a cat.

 

TONY

Someone's sleeping on the couch tonight.

 

CLINT

Shut up, Stark. It's your couch. So when Captain Tight-Ass kicks you out of bed, sorry, you're sleeping on the floor.

 

STEVE

Hawkeye, I don't think—

 

TONY

Don't be ridiculous. I'll just go sleep in my workshop.

 

STEVE

This is hardly the time for—

 

THOR

FRIENDS! I have spoken with my dear brother, and he has agreed to return to Asgard, if he may keep the kittum that defaced my hammer.

 

COULSON

It's like everyone is deaf to everything I say… Fine, Thor, tell him to be on his way as soon as possible.

 

TONY

Well, that solves th—

 

HULK

Hulk CUDDLE.

 

CLINT

…did he just—?

 

TONY

Yep.

 

CLINT

What I wouldn't give for a visual right now.

 

STEVE

I don't understand how you can both be so cold. They're kittens! With the little ears, and the whiskers, and the nose...

 

CLINT

[laughing] Sorry to break it to you, Iron Man: you're sleeping with a cat lady.

 

STEVE

Wha—

 

TONY

I—Oh god, I am. I really am.

 

COULSON

Not to interrupt this _truly_ touching moment, but now that the immediate threat is gone, one of you may want to go attend to the Hulk.

 

CLINT

Why?

 

NATASHA

Because the only thing sadder than a pile of dead kittens is a pile of dead, Hulk-smashed kittens.

 

CLINT

Oh shit.

 

STEVE

We're on it.

 

* * *

 

Somewhere deep inside SHIELD headquarters, Nick Fury is gathering every report regarding Mission 2749A (unfortunately named "Kittenpocalypse" by an archer and a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist that are on their last warning) and placing them in a flaming trash bin. Behind him, on a recently purchased cushion, sits a midnight black kitten, chewing on a red and gold action figure. There's a still-healing slash mark over one of its eyes.


End file.
